Friday, May 6, 2011

The Bathing Suit...

The Bathing Suit (by a middle-age woman, unknown)

When I was a child in the 1960s, the bathing suit for the mature figure was-boned, trussed and reinforced, not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift, and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip.

The mature woman has a choice:  she can either go up front to the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus that escaped from Disney's Fantasia, or she can wander around every run-of-the-mill department store trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.  The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot.  Lycra bathing suits give an added bonus; if you manage to actually lever yourself into one, you would be protected from shark attacks.  Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash!

I fought my way into the bathing suit. As I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror; my boobs had disappeared!

Eventually, I found one boob cowering under my left armpit.  It took a while to find the other. At last I located it flattened beside my seventh rib.

The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups.  The mature woman is meant to wear her boobs spread across her chest like a speed bump. I realigned my speed bump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it.  The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides.  I looked like a lump of Playdoh wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtain, "Oh, there you are," she said, admiring the bathing suit.

I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me. I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two-piece that gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serving ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard-skin bathers with ragged frills and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane, pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

I tried on a bright pink pair with such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows to wear them.

Finally, I found a suit that fit...a two-piece affair with a shorts-style bottom and a loose blouse-type top.  It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

My ridiculous search had a successful outcome, I figured.

When I got it home, I found a label that read: Material might become transparent in water.

So, if you happen to be on the beach or near any other body of water this year and I'm there too, I'll be the one in cut-off jeans and a T-shirt!

You'd better be laughing or rolling on the floor by this time.  Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. With or without a bathing suit.

This was sent to me by a friend and I thought I'd share the laugh.
Blessings as always,


Mouse said...

Ohhh Barbara I am rolling around on the floor as this is just me to a tea !!! thank you for making me giggle :) love mouse xxxx

Carolyn said...

I have never laughed so hard in my life. I nearly wet my pants. LOL OMGosh, I can so relate. That's why I haven't even tried one on in over 10 years. I'm afraid if the strap popped, it might put someone's eye out. LMBO
Thanks for the laugh!

Del said...

Thank you so much for sharing this and giving me a laugh. I don't remember the last time I wore a bathing suit. And as for the disappearing boobs - mine hide when I sleep on my back - under my armpits. I guess it's warmer under there!

Teresa said...

And this is why I don't have a bathing suit. I don't have the energy to go thru what you did.
You speak from my heart.
Teresa's Heartfelt Stitches

Barbara said...

Ladies I have lived here in Florida for the past 28 years and in all that time, I have been to the beach a total of 2 times. One of the reasons....I don't buy bathing suits because of the torture of trying to find one that fits my big tush. I just thought this was just too too funny not to share. I'm glad you all got a good laugh and hopefully no wet pants. LOL

Cross Stitch Crazy Mum said...

Lol. Thank you so much for such a laugh. My sides hurt :-D And yeah Im in with you all who dont buy a suit.

Midge said...

laughing like a drain here in England. I know how this feels for sure.
Thank you for making my day!!

stitch_days said...

Barbara, oh my goodness! Laughter just comes out of no where some days. Thank you for sharing this and starting my day with a smile.
Rita E in AZ